Finding identity in all the wrong places.

I have an issue.

If it sounds like a non-issue when I describe it, it's because I'm guarded with what I actually share; I'm not willing to divulge the details (perhaps this is an issue in itself, I don't know; I'm hoping I can deal with it without divulging details). Essentially, I have been yearning for the approval of people whose approval really doesn't matter. And the reasons behind this yearning are ridiculous.

I mean, I'm generally well-liked. Even when I try to be passive-aggressive to make people feel bad (yes I know that's petty), they fawn over me. And I need to make a note that I have not done anything stupid for approval, nor anything nasty (I'm trying to present myself as a nice person mostly); rather, it's just the yearning that's stupid.

Because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that my yearning for the approval of others stems (partially, at least) from finding my identity not in what God thinks of me, but what people think of me.

Why? Why do I care so much?

I know the scriptures tell me this is wrong. Galatians 1:10, for example, says "If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" -- should I not rather yearn to serve Christ, regardless of what people think of me?

I'm hoping recognition of this problem as stemming from an identity crisis helps me tackle it. Oh, the problem is deeper, sure; it stems from the heart of a sinner. But if I ground my desires in living as a woman of God, if I can find my identity not in the opinions of people but as a woman of God, maybe, just maybe, my heart will begin to change.

Any verses/advice on this would be helpful. Any opinions, really. Even if you are going to tell me things I really don't want to hear. I'll try and accept it gracefully.

I don't want to care so much about what people think. I want to serve them in love, even if it means they think I'm not a "nice" person. I want to serve them in love, not pander to their expectations to receive ego strokes. I want to serve them in love and not in selfishness.

Opening track to Alice Cooper's new album

In the beginning I was just a shadow
In the beginning I was alone
In the beginning I was blind, living in a world devoid of light
In the beginning there was only night

I was shattered, left in pieces
And I felt so cold inside
Then I called you from the darkness
Where I hide

I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you

In the beginning you were revelation
A river of salvation and now I believe

All I wanted, all I needed
Was someone to rescue me
I was drowning, I was dying
Now I'm free

I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you

Here I am now, I can stand now
Cause your love has made me strong
And forever you're the singer
I'm the song

I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you

I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you
I am made of you

The company of apostles.

Acts 2:42-47

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

There is so much going on in this passage and one could probably talk about it for a looooong time. And what I am about to say undoubtedly seems like a diversion.

But when I read this the other night, I was thinking about how awesome it would be to spend time with Christians daily. And not just any Christians, but the apostles! Those who had walked with Jesus! Being dedicated to their teaching...!

John says the following about all the things that Jesus did:

If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written (John 21:25).

But these guys... these guys were there. Can you imagine the stories that were told in these days? Can you imagine all the things they talked about it in these days? Even a small passage like this is inexhaustible... and the apostles, they had seen much more.

Viv said this passage was like a vision of heaven. I gotta say... I'm keen for heaven :D